After the mass murder in Parkland, Florida, some American patriots have called for an armed vet in every high school. I applaud that kind of thinking, but it doesn’t go far enough.
What if one of these kids, whacked out on anti-depressants and video games, gets the jump on the vet? It could happen to anybody. Then it’s open season on the poor kids in school.
What we really need to protect our children is a vet with an AR-15 in every classroom. Some little motherfucker whose mother didn’t love him enough might get lucky to take out one guard, but with an AR-15 in every classroom he’ll be a bleeding sprinkler in no time.
I know what you’re thinking. There are about 100,000 public schools throughout the United States. While we could easily get the AR-15s, we may not find a vet for every school, much less every classroom.
So they don’t have to be vets – just normal, everyday American citizens trained to use the AR-15 to conduct an effective counter-assault.
In addition to that, I’m thinking of beefing up security at our schools. You know how Trump wants $1 trillion for infrastructure? I say we make it $2 trillion to tack on the tools we need to protect our children. AREN’T THEY WORTH IT?
We start with WALLS. I don’t like fencing – not chain-link anyway – because you can see through it and conduct reconnaissance. Ideally every public school in the country should have a wall, a beautiful wall, at least 10 feet high but preferably 20 feet.
Next, we get serious about security at the entrances. I want to make it just like the airport. You have to pass your carry-on through the luggage scanner to get on a plane, why not make the kids do the same with their backpacks to get into a school? We need backpack scanners at every entrance, plus metal detectors. Although full-body scanners would be even better.
Spend $1 trillion or whatever it takes to truly fortify every school in America, lock the shit DOWN, and see how many school shootings you have. You damn well know it’ll GO WAY DOWN, maybe to ALMOST ZERO.
I’m so goddamn tired of these liberal pussies crying for gun control when everybody knows guns aren’t the problem, it’s the people that use them. We need MORE GUNS in every corner of society to stop the nutcases.
The liberal media is a big part of the problem in perpetuating myths about guns and school shootings. But you never hear them talk about ANTIDEPRESSANTS!
It turns out that, yes, the United States has lots of guns and lots of mass shootings. But did you also know that America also uses the most of these dangerous BRAIN PILLS known as SSRIs?
The liberal snowflakes are always touting their fake-news statistics, so I thought I’d put together my own bit of REAL DATA to show the correlation between antidepressants and homicide in the world’s rich countries.
You see that dot way up to the right? That’s the United States. Most antidepressants and highest murder rate. Coincidence?
See that red line? That’s called a TRENDLINE, in other words a CORRELATION. So you see, there’s a clear correlation between antidepressants and homicide, not to mention they’re TURNING THE FREAKIN FROGS GAY!
See what happens, libtards, when you consider the facts for once?
Another angle the (((liberal media))) never mentions is the decline of family values in America, and specifically the lack of fathers in certain communities. Parkland shooter Nikolas Cruz was adopted, and then his adopted father died when he was young. Then his adopted mother died. Many school shooters were products of divorce.
And we all know that the war on religion is taking its toll on the nuclear family in America, and how that affects young boys.
Look at our ex-president B. Hussein Obama, son of a deadbeat dad and a Muslim African to boot. It’s no surprise shootings spiked during his administration.
All I can say is thank God we have a proper family man setting the example and upholding Christian values today. The elites in Washington don’t understand that.
The liberal media really pissed me off when they claimed Parkland was the 18th school shooting this year. It turns out they were relying on an anti-gun, socialist, secular, extremist globalist organization called Everytown which defines “school shooting” like this:
Any time a firearm discharges a live round inside a school building or on a school campus or grounds.
How weak is that? What if someone pops off a few shots in the sky after the football team wins a big game at home, is that supposed to be a “school shooting?” What is this, Europe?
One of those 18 shootings was some butt-hurt cuck who shot himself in a school parking lot … when it was CLOSED. You call that a goddamn school shooting?
We need a realistic definition.
I say the liberal media shouldn’t be allowed to call it a “school shooting” without at least TWO CHILDREN DEAD. Just one child dead could be a drug deal gone wrong (in places like Chicago) or gangs (like MS-13), and that’s not really what I think of when I hear “school shooting.” One child dead … who cares?
You can’t count teachers or any adult passing by, they’re old enough to know the score. Don’t they have families to protect? Why aren’t they armed?
And injuries alone definitely shouldn’t count as “school shootings.” No adults, no suicides, nothing outside of school hours, and definitely no colleges or universities. The new standard for “school shooting” should be TWO CHILDREN KILLED, and under that standard we certainly don’t have 18 this year SNOWFLAKES!
So I don’t want to see any more PAID ACTORS pretending to be from that school crying about gun control.
Jesus Christ, freedom ain’t free people. It costs a dozen or so lives once in a while. This is the price of freedom. We should be thanking those students who died in Florida, they made the ultimate sacrifice for your freedom to buy an AR-15 right when you need it, with no delay.
Back to Reality
If you believed this essay was real, that goes to show how deranged the gun-rights people are. I know many Expat Chronicles readers are in that camp, as are many friends and family.
Being deranged doesn’t mean we can’t be friends. I’ve maintained friendships with many deranged people. Some were deranged by their devotion to drugs and alcohol. Or sex. Or work and money. Or even professional sports clubs. Some people thought I was deranged for moving to South America.
But all the same, you are deranged. You are deranged by your devotion to guns if you refuse even to consider the possibility that tightening up gun legislation in America may lead to increased safety and public health.
I have a family to protect. But I’ve always viewed self-defense as something to prepare for by building strength through physical training and gaining technical ability through fight sports like boxing.
I don’t want to carry a gun, that shit’s heavy. And there’s the risk I might shoot my dick off while I’m drinking. Or, like my police-officer father-in-law, I might lose the fuckin thing while I’m in the bars.
Arguing policy on Facebook and blogs brings immense intellectual satisfaction and spiritual fulfillment, and it’s important for democracy. But debating is not enough. In fact, not even public approval is enough.
The term “swamp” has come in vogue to describe professional politicians and an out-of-touch Washington elite that doesn’t care about everyday Americans. There are many creatures of the swamp, but few are as effective as the gun lobby.
The NRA employs many of the most effective and powerful lobbyists in the swamp. They have raised hundreds of millions of dollars over decades, but their greatest strength is in crafting the most sophisticated political messaging. They are the best in the business at motivating and mobilizing huge numbers of voters (a.k.a. professional politics), giving them enormous and outsized influence in Washington to oppose the popular will of the American people.
Pressing arguments for public health is not enough. We also need to play the politics game, and that battle is fought in the swamp. That’s why I donate to Everytown for Gun Safety, founded by Michael Bloomberg in 2014 to oppose the NRA.
To pitch in, visit everytown.org/act.
I do believe the movement to bring sanity to America’s gun laws is moving, albeit glacially. You could cynically point to the Sandy Hook massacre of 20 first-graders, which resulted in no legislation. You could point to the largest massacre in American history last year, in which 58 were killed and 851 injured (!) with a modified AR-15. That resulted in no legislation – not even a ban on bump stocks!
But these high-schoolers seem to be making an impact. The relentless death counts are slowly registering in the collective conscience. The deranged gun lobby’s arguments are increasingly unhinged. The overwhelming approval is on our side. We just need to play the swamp game.
Support what Expat Chronicles is all about. Leave a tip to keep the laughs coming (and the news, insight and other stuff too).