Ep. 4 Interview with Carl Meek, Englishman in Colombia

That’s a very interesting topic actually—relationship dynamics within Latin American (LA) families and groups. Me too, I have given it a lot of thought and have been an active observer and participant (reluctant at time). If I may, I’ll break it down the way I understand it.

But first, I want to share an important (in my opinion at least) discovery about the nature of LA society. What most latinos do, say, and don’t say, the end goal is what I call achieving a state of happiness in a unique latino way.

The buzzwords I hear all the time when they talk (women especially) are “feliz/felicidad, allegria, amor, dicha”. Thus, this is their most desired state, and everything they do is to get and stay as long as possible in the state of “felicidad”, chasing this mental state like prospectors used to chase gold in Yukon. Being just Ok or content is not enough, as you know Latinos are as fatalist as one can be. Everything is black or white to them; shades do not exist. All-or-nothing kind of mentality.

However, since human nature is complex and flawed and we have a range of various unhappy emotions, latinos tend to deny any negative emotion to the point of being delusional or paranoid or being in a constant state of denial. Thus, for instance, you might see a latino who just had a traumatic experience like separation or losing a job. But they will keep saying like a broken record, “estoy bien, no pasa nada”.

And, because you still going to have shitty days, situations, feelings, and so on (we’re people after all), latinos became masters at “appearing” happy and successful. It is all about appearances in LA world. Substance is not that important.

Had a bad day? Doesnt matter, as long as you smile wide exposing all of your 32 perfectly white teeth and project light, cheerfull vibe, that is all that matters. In that respect they’re very similar to Anglo-Saxons – “good vibes only!” – sounds familiar?

Im Eastern European by the way, so I look at latinos and anglos through my Eastern European lenses (still have them after over 20 years in North America).

Anyways, LA is a matriarchal kingdom as you know. Without identifying some dominant maternal latina traits, its difficult to understand the drivers of toxicity.

I find most women in LA have some of the following:

• Constant jealousy. They might be jealous about perceived husband’s attention to any other females, be it his co-workers, neighbors, even cousins or her own children. I personally know Peruvian (wife) – Mexican (husband) couple with three kids. So the wife got seriously jealous because she believes the husband pays more attention to their infant daughter than her. Kind of crazy, heh?
• High female solipsism. Its common for most women, but latina solipsism is more extreme, I find. They’re absolutely incapable of empathy, meaning the ability to put themselves into other people’s shoes. Its all about them, their feelings, experiences, and perceptions. This point might sound controversial. Arent latinos known for being affectionate and warm?

Yes, they are, but its not same as being empathetic. Its very common for most latina mothers to dismiss their children’s grievances and struggles. They’re very disapproving of negative emotions and experiences. They just cant face any emotional discomfort of any type. Maybe because life is difficult as it is for most of them, and dismissing bad emotions is a coping mechanism?

Therefore, kids growing up in Latino families learn early on to conceal any bad emotions, news or experiences happening to them. As they were emotionally punished from a young age for being vulnerable and/or making mistakes.

Keep mama happy at all costs. Lie, exaggerate, but keep her happy.

• Latino women see their children as extensions of themselves. Kind of like you see your arm or leg. Thus, they might go crazy at the thought of their child leaving them, even temporarily, even a short drive away. Would you want your arm to leave you? You might hear some latina mother saying to her son:” si tu te vas, voy a murir!”. Really, you actually will die if he moves out or moves to a different town?

This maternal possessiveness is usually emplied through many subtleties. Like things they say to their children throughout their lives. Something to the effect of “eres mi allegria”, “tu me hases feliz”, “cuando no me llames me pongo triste”. The message here is that a mother’s happiness is completely dependent on what her children do or dont do.

If you dont call her every day, she will feel sad. If you dont come to visit her weekly, it makes her sad. I even heard one latin woman say that having a disabled child is a blessing because he’ll always be with you.

So most latinos never really achieve full maturity. They never sever their spiritual, umbilical cord attaching them to their parents. Thats what constant guilt-tripping does to you. Some might have grandchildren but still seeking their parents approval and company all the time.

My wife is from a town about a 4-hour drive from Bogota. When she started her Bachelor degree in Bogota, she would spend 5 days there and come back over the weekend to stay with her parents. So every week when she was about to board a bus to go to Bogota, she and her parents would cry their eyes out. And this would go for 6 years. Same intensity for 6 years (!).

There’s one cousin my wife has, a mature woman in her fifties. So every time this cousin’s mother, who passed away years ago, would be mentioned, the cousin’s eyes would immediately start watering as if her mom just died.

A lot of latinos oftentimes get stuck in the denial stage of the grief cycle for life. Most are absolutely incapable of accepting hard reality and facing the truth or facts (ego fragility). That’s quite telling about their emotional maturity.

This maternal, over-the-top possessiveness, I believe, is also responsible for many of their children’s failed marriages. They cant come to terms that their querida niña or niño might love someone more than her.

So the latina mamas stick their nose way too often into their kids family affairs, provide very opinionated unsolicited advice all the time, and just can’t let them be.

Many married latinos, in their turn, will prioritize their parents over their spouse to the point that the spouse starts resenting his/her “suegros”. And it doesnt lead to anything good.

So in a nutshell, toxic relationships within LA families are a result of the emotional immaturity of latino mothers (and society in general), their obsessive-possessive attitudes toward their children, their inability to face any emotional discomfort, narcissism, and seeing their children as a source of their happiness.

Its not uncommon for many latin mothers who have a kid or kids living abroad to cry if say their child skipped calling them for one (!) day.

Anyways, here’s my 2 cents on the subject. Apologies for some incoherence, as I wrote this while constantly being distracted by my fatherly duties.

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