Every once in a while, in the two years I’ve been sober, I raise the possibility to my wife of going back to drinking. I like hearing her say she doesn’t care. That means I wasn’t such a bad drunk.
I never got the shakes. I was never physically dependent on alcohol or anything else. I wasn’t going to drink myself to death of organ failure. I was never in rehab or ordered by a court to do outpatient or counseling. I didn’t blow all the money or have trouble feeding the family. I didn’t have infidelity issues. I wasn’t a wifebeater. I didn’t frighten the children.
On the contrary, I was doing well. I was making good money. I coached youth sports and for a time was a leader in cub scouts. I didn’t go out. I drank at home. I didn’t scream at the children. I was a model father and husband.
I have looked at the externalities over the years. For me, the consequences came in the form of injuries, criminal charges and fights. But I haven’t been locked up in 10 years, and haven’t been charged with a crime in 20. I haven’t been in a fight outside a boxing ring in 15 years. And my last drunken injury came about a decade ago.
I like to think I had it all under control. And I got a sense of satisfaction hearing that the wife wouldn’t be angry if I decided to go back to that.
After so many months, she stopped saying she didn’t care. She said she wanted me to stay sober, that I’m better this way. I can still get her to say she doesn’t care sometimes. But she doesn’t want me to go back to drinking.
I shared this with a mentor of mine, because I just got her to say she didn’t care in the context of an argument. This mentor told me I’m being manipulative.
I was taken aback. I never thought of myself that way. How? What end am I angling for? I’m not trying to get her to do anything but say she doesn’t care.
I had to think about it. Maybe I’m doing this because, in the back of my mind, I’m planning my return to drinking beer. And I don’t want to hear any shite from her when I make my debut.
But that plan is kind of screwed because, over these two years of sobriety, I’ve let it slip about all the other stuff I was doing. You see, if you have any kind of drive for achievement, it’s difficult if not impossible to drink every day. You just won’t get any work done and your body deteriorate.
So what do you do to take the edge off while not losing productivity? At this day and age, there are a plethora of less debilitating options. I would use weed and pills during the workweek. And throughout the year to spice it up, the occasional acid or mushroom trip and maybe once a year a coke bender. Alcohol was my first love, and my preferred lover, but I used a variety of substances.
When I reunited with her after my time in Colombia, I told her everything. Everything. And her one condition to get back together was no drugs. I agreed at the time, but did not fulfill the pledge for even one of the 13 years since. She has caught me with weed here and there, but she didn’t know how much I was doing, especially once we moved to the States.
In the two years since sobering up, she has gotten an idea. When people ask why I quit, I feel the need to justify my sobriety. I say I was doing other stuff, and I’ve gotten specific in front of her. So there probably is no going back to how things were.
I don’t think I’m really setting the stage for a return though. Otherwise I’d keep the extracurricular fun quiet.
I honestly believe I just get off on hearing that I wasn’t that bad. I was able to do all that shit and still perform as a businessman, father, husband and sometime athlete. So I float the idea of going back to drinking, even though I have no intention to.
I bounced the idea of other people this is manipulative. They have nodded in agreement. I still don’t see it. What do you say?
Expat Chronicles 