43 Days and Counting

I’ve been sober 43 days today. This was prompted. To get that story, you have to subscribe to the newsletter. The email is blasting out soon, so don’t delay.

Substance abuse has become a part of my identity. My self-image is in part a wild man. A teetotaler is the opposite of a wild man. A teetotaler, if anything short of a professional fighter, is a geek. I’m not a geek. So therefore, how can I be a teetotaler? 

I got drunk for the first time at 13 years old, and stoned not much later. I loved both of them from the beginning, and I did them as much as possible. I did my best to avoid ever going a day without. There was never a reason not to in my mind.

Substance abuse has become a part of my identity. My self-image is in part a wild man. A teetotaler is the opposite of a wild man. A teetotaler, if anything short of a professional fighter, is a geek. I’m not a geek. So therefore, how can I be a teetotaler? 

Wild man aside, I just always need something to take the edge off. Life as it is, isn’t enough. It’s too boring. As I got older, and need less wild, I just wanted a little something to take the edge off.

I built a playlist in the works to accompany an ode to drugs and alcohol. I never wrote it, but I imagined going off on how it’s my favorite thing in life. Nothing makes me feel better than getting drunk and high. But the playlist didn’t only have my favorite songs romanticizing drugs. It started with sad songs lamenting addiction or sobriety.

My favorite on that list, maybe not a coincidence, is Fine Again by Seether. 

I zero in on two lines.

“It seems like everything is gray and there’s no color to behold.”

That’s life sober. Somebody said something interesting in the meeting. They reiterated the importance of taking one day at a time by saying that thinking about going the rest of your life sober is like getting out of debt. I have been in debt a few times, and that’s the feeling. 

And this, again from Seether, a million times this:

“I feel the dream in me expire and there’s no one left to blame it on.”

My dream of being an artist, a creator, a writer, is slowly slipping down the drain of the tub. 

My response to get through these 43 days has been to create. You haven’t seen much in that time, but I am writing. I’m also recording. I promised Expat Chronicles Radio seven years ago. I just completed Episode 1. You’ll hear it soon.

I don’t know how long this round of sobriety will last. I’m not putting any pressure on myself. I’m just laying off and consuming the literature. For the real personal insights, you need to receive the emails. Subscribe now!

Here is the getting high playlist. After music are the film recommendations.

Fine Again

Perfect Day

Lou Reed said this song was not about addiction at all, but its brilliant use in one of film’s best scenes ever (Trainspotting) has coopted it forever.

Comfortably Numb

Apparently not about substances either, but it’s hard to listen to and not think about opioids.

Medicate

I am so fucking bored. Nothing to do today. Let’s sit around and medicate. Beautiful ode to pills. Lyrics just hit the nail on the head.

Your friends are high right now.
Your parents are high right now.
That hot chick’s high right now.
That cop is high right now.
The president’s high right now.
Your priest is high right now.
Everyone’s high as fuck right now and no one’s ever coming down!

Gifted

Ignore French Montana and focus on the Weeknd’s lyrics. He’s screaming it, I’m a highly functional user. What could be wrong?

Lust for Life

This marks the end of the mopey shit. This makes it fun, with America’s greatest rock singer.

Needle and the Spoon

Of all these artists, I relate most to the music, personality and message of Skynyrd. It’s been a red line I’ve respected in life thus far, but sometimes I feel, if I don’t get it under control, I’ll end up banging up smack. Very dangerous right now because I don’t even think they sell pure smack anymore. Only its synthetic incarnate, which I inadvertently tried as anesthetic for surgery. It was absolutely lovely.

That Smell

Skynyrd gets two. Look what’s going on inside you!

Lit Up

I fucking love cocaine. I send this meme to people when they include me on group texts that just won’t stop. Then I say, “Whoops, sorry wrong group disregard that.” That gets the group to lay off, and I think it’s hilarious. Is that normal?

Five on It Remix

From the high school soundtrack.

Half on a Sack

Cocaine Blaine, that’s my dog.

Purple Pills

Em’s done rehab. Now has more than a decade sober apparently.

I Wanna Get High

If I had to quit one, it would be cannabis. Honestly. I can sit on beer. I can refuse a drink. I can’t sit on weed. If it’s in the house, it’s getting smoked, vaped or ate, whatever. It was my first love. I drank first, and learned to love it, but weed was my first love. First time, first sight.

I don’t know if they have cannabis meetings. I can’t help thinking of that movie Half Baked, where Dave Chappelle gets up and says he’s addicted to weed, and everybody shouts him down. Boo this man!

But I know that people go to gambling meetings for scratch-off tickets, and sex meetings for porn. So maybe cannabis is the scratcher tickets and porn of substance abuse. It is the one I really don’t have power over. 

Don’t Worry; He Won’t Get Far on Foot

Great film about 12 steps which you must see if you’re curious at all. It’s a good watch even if you’re not, with an A-list cast featuring Joaquin Phoenix, Jonah Hill, Rooney Mara, Jack Black and more, based on the true story of John Callahan, who only became an artist after sobering up. 

Permanent Midnight

Great flick from early in Ben Stiller’s career.

Manchester by the Sea

I’ve watched this several times. It strikes a chord. Something inside that fears that substances will lead to some life catastrophe.

What are your favorite songs and films, lamenting or celebrating the timeless art of getting fucked up? Leave recommendations in the comments.