Alternate Title: Free Biz Idea – TFB Vacations

My article on Sebastian Woodroffe’s lynching in the Amazon jungle drew this comment:

[A]yahuasca has been turned into an industry when this was not an industry and there are still many people who preserve it as Part of their Culture and spiritual Legacy of their ancestors. So if [something] becomes an industry [it’s] because there is a market and customers, Most of these customers are just people like u, That are just looking to have more fun and new experiences without trying first To understand what is originally behind and being respectful with that …  [A]yahuasca is Part of the Culture of some tribes. I am sorry so many people just know it as a drug and in a Part is the fault of some who commercialized it just to get money.

I agree that it is an industry, but I disagree that people know ayahuasca as a drug to have fun with and people are marketing it that way. Everybody sells ayahuasca as a religious ceremony that has to be done in the jungle.

I guarantee that Indian didn’t wear those clothes on the bus from Loreto. He’s probably from the outskirts of Lima. He grew up in Comas and bought the get-up at the artesanal market in San Miguel. He only wears it for the show.

That picture looks much like what my experience was outside Bogota. Everybody was expected to sit around in a circle, and occasionally the regulars and the organizers would chant to music played on their wind pipes, rattles and bongos. The morning after I was subjected to a half-hour lecture on the Mayan calendar before I could escape.

If it’s not a pseudo-religious trip, then they sell it as “medicine” that’s going to cure you of whatever is wrong with you mentally. Hard to square the medicine angle with how many people die in the industry each year from a plethora of varied causes ranging from nicotine overdoses up to murder.

If I were selling ayahuasca, I would drop the spiritual religious medicine charade altogether and serve it up in the capital. So here’s free concept for an ayahuasca business. My hypothetical biz is based in Lima, so adjust it to wherever you are, but it needs to be near a major airport. 

TFB Vacations

Are you looking to trip balls harder than ever before? With DMT, ayahuasca is the strongest shit out there. And it’s natural, so you can feel like you’re not doing hard drugs. It’s not even illegal!

You may have heard that ayahuasca is taken in a spiritual ceremony, or that it has therapeutic benefits for victims of PTSD and addiction. But what if there’s nothing wrong with you? You weren’t traumatized in war and you’re not a smack addict. Hell, you had good parents and make decent money. You just want to trip on ayahuasca in Peru because it sounds fun.

BUT … you don’t want to be bothered with traveling out to the jungle to stay in some hut outside some backwater cow town. Some of these places expect you to bathe in a river. Fuck that! And you definitely aren’t in the market to hear any Indian religion proselytizing. You just want to Trip Fuckin Balls!

If that sounds like you, then TFB Vacations is for you. We’re located in Lurin, just outside Lima. We’ll pick you up at the airport and whisk you off to our house by the beach. There is no set time, no “ceremony” for our ayahuasca. You can order it up like you’re at the bar. Hell, we’ll bring it to the airport if you want to get started right out the gate. We also have San Pedro, which is also natural and legal but not so intense, in case you want to work your way up to the Aya.

Both San Pedro (a cactus) and Ayahuasca (a vine) taste awful, but we at least try to make it taste good. We blend it up with a gang of ice, syrup and pisco in three flavor options: guanabana, aguaje or raw chocolate. For a small upcharge you can add your weekly need of Vitamin C with a bit of Camu Camu powder, or some lead in the pipe with Maca.

Or if you want a really wild night, add a scoop of NO-Xplode pre-workout mix.

Want to burn one to take the edge off while you wait for the ayahuasca to kick in? No sweat. Score a pre-roll from the bartender on the low, and smoke it outside in our tropical garden.

Once you start tripping you’ll want to check out our rumpus room. It has big soft couches along with super-soft sheets, blankets and pillows to lounge around on while admiring our kick-ass art portfolio of knockoff paintings and Panamerican kitsch. There is a Super Nintendo and an old-school Nintendo for one of the big screens, and the other TV plays an Adult Swim loop.

We have a mix of chicha and Peruvian trip-hop playing at a moderate volume in the background, which is non-negotiable. But you want to dance like a prick? Take your ear buds with whatever house music tracks you desire out to that garden. Go outside and get some. We have a couple glow-sticks to get a wicked light show for your imaginary audience.

Use our paintbrushes and smocks when you buy paints and paper, or even canvas if you think you’re going to take your creation home. There are colored pencils and markers for those more realistic about their artistic inabilities.

The Rumpus Room has Legos, Rubiks Cubes, chess and checkers and other board games like Sorry and all kinds of toys. This trip will take you back to your childhood. You’ll feel like you’re seven years old again, before that dirty uncle started touching you up. Wasn’t everything so much simpler before that?

Got dry mouth? Hit up the bar for a water or fresh-blended smoothie made with Peruvian fruits. Try a lucuma-milk smoothie or a mango-maracuya. It’s not how I get down when I’m tripping, but we can make you a pisco sour too. Want a short one that’s not too strong? We have a lovely aguardiente from Colombia. Whatever you can handle. Hell, you can just re-up on NO Xplode if you want.

Ladies, if you’re put off by all the test from the bros, or the hippie dancing like a prick outside, go to the Girls-Only Den. It’s painted in soft, neutral colors to create an inviting environment of mutual respect and harmony among peers.

Guys sorry there isn’t a men-only room. Gays are welcome but this isn’t a gay bar. You can go to your room and chill out on the big soft bed by yourself, which is in fact a highly underrated thing to do while tripping balls.

Go outside for some fresh air, don’t mind the dickhead with glowsticks. The yard is walled in so nothing dodgy lurks beyond, neither animals nor scary Peruvians jaded by an impoverished childhood and parental mistreatment. So take it easy, kick your shoes off and walk around barefoot. Be one with nature.

The beach is a 20-minute walk away, and we organize group trips every morning at 10 a.m. Better to go with us, we don’t recommend going to the beach at night while tripping balls. Not that it’s dangerous, but you may get lost.

Want to stay for more than one night? No problem. Every day we organize day trips around the city. No need to figure out where to go or how to get there, just jump in our shuttle van. Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays we go to La Punta; Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays we watch the birds at Pantanos de Villa and Sundays we take it easy at the Malecon. All great spots to burn one according to Expat Chronicles.

Sound too good to be true? Book now for just $500 per night, which includes two ayahuasca servings at the bar per night. Private rooms only, each one comes with a TV and Wifi. Don’t email asking for a discount. You’re better off taking a bus to the jungle and sleeping in a hut. You’re paying extra for the comfort we provide, as well as the promise not to subject you to any quasi-scientific or religious preaching at all. Zero, zip, nada! How much is that worth? You’re welcome.

Just get high, have a blast and get out. Go back to your non-addict, non-tramautized life, wherever it is.

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