Grab Them by the Pussy

Alternate Title: Trump vs. Venezuela

In case you haven’t been paying attention, Donald Trump appeared in a video from 2005 saying less-than-politically-correct things about women.

All kinds of gems in there, but nothing like “Grab them by the pussy.”

Donald Trump chalked it up to “locker room banter,” which I actually agreed with. Although I racked my brain and could not find one instance in which that had been my first move on a woman, even among the fastest and most anonymous hookups from my life as a bachelor.

To say that at 25 years old is one thing, but he said it almost 60 as a man with daughters. Certainly lacks the maturity to lead the free world. But I have heard worse, and for me, the Dumpster Fire should have attracted such a backlash from any one of many absurd things he has said in regards to policy, such as defaulting on sovereign debt, building a $20 billion wall or not defending NATO allies.

But of all the things the National Disgrace could have said, and all the things he did say, “GRAB THEM BY THE PUSSY” was a better gift than I could have ever asked for. Because at the exact time the video was released, Trump’s main challenge in gaining ground in this election was attracting women voters.

And for women voters, you couldn’t invent a better piece of news, a more vulgar and aggressive line than “GRAB THEM BY THE PUSSY!”

I can’t get it out of my head. I can’t stop saying it. I want to shout it from the mountaintops and put billboards in every city across the United States: GRAB THEM BY THE PUSSY!

I don’t only want to share it as a personal update on Facebook. I want to leave it as a comment on every single update in my Facebook feed: GRAB THEM BY THE PUSSY!

Go into your Facebook right now, and look at the feed. Imagine “GRAB THEM BY THE PUSSY!” as a comment on every news item there.

While it’s great on every Trump-Clinton story, doing that can create serious problems. It may get a chuckle when left on a picture of your old drinking buddies who are still bachelors with their latest floozies at the club. But it’s not so funny when you leave it on your cousin lamenting the death of his mother, or a friend taking his young daughters to the zoo.

GRAB THEM BY THE PUSSY!

Why did the Dumpster Fire apologize? He should turn it into a strength. If you’ve never grabbed a woman by the pussy, maybe it’s because you’re not as brave as Donald Trump is. “GRAB THEM BY THE PUSSY” should be his campaign slogan.

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It’s so much stronger and aggressive than the boring and wimpy “Make America Great Again.” And it captures the essence of his campaign. The people who like Trump want somebody in the Oval Office who will kick ass and take names, somebody less like a nerdy statesman like Kissinger and more like a character from The Expendables.

Hillary Clinton and the Democratic leadership – GRAB THEM BY THE PUSSY!

Paul Ryan and the Republican leadership – GRAB THEM BY THE PUSSY!

Syrian refugees or tourists from Arab countries looking to visit Disneyworld – GRAB THEM BY THE PUSSY!

China  – GRAB THEM BY THE PUSSY!

Mexico  – GRAB THEM BY THE PUSSY!

You, GRAB THEM BY THE PUSSY!

Trump vs. Venezuela

Watching the National Disgrace and his fledgling campaign is very much like Venezuela in that it takes an embarrassing amount of time from my workday when I can’t help myself from reading the latest fuckups and catastrophes.

There is a voyeuristic sadism behind what some people have called “disaster porn.” I similarly watched the Detroit municipal bankruptcy and Russia’s incursion into Crimea.

While Venezuela has yielded golden disasters consistently for a decade, the Bolivarian Revolution can’t match Trump’s frequency. Trump produces a few stories every week.

But the Dumpster Fire won’t outlast Venezuela. He will be finished on Nov. 8, assuming he loses which he almost certainly will. After November, we’ll only have Venezuela.

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