Stole and Robbed on My Birthday

I was drunk with gringo buddies at my apartment. They wanted to meet a Colombian friend at a dance club a few blocks away. Colombian Friend had a bottle of rum and two chicks. One heffer was already paired off and the other chick was with Colombian Friend. We got drunk on rum and then a bottle of tequila.

The club closed at 3 am and we went outside. The Colombian and Americans had a plan to get a box of aguardiente, then meet us at my apartment. After we split up I bought four cans of beer at the liquor store. I was leading Colombian Friend’s girl, Heffer, and this scrawny feminine Colombian dude she’d paired off with to my place through the crowded streets of drunken partiers.

Colombian Friend’s girl had both arms around my waist and her head on my shoulder. With my arm around her, I wondered what the hell was going on here as we were going back to my pad without her man.

Then I heard, “¡Fuera mi país!” Get out of my country!

I turned toward the ignorant, uneducated dumb-ass, and snapped back that I pay taxes here. It’s my country, too. A few more words were exchanged and he confirmed he had a problem. I set the beer down and went after him. I threw a right hand that MISSED.

Then I felt the lightest little lovetap on my head. It got my attention. I turned to the source and although it was the weakest, softest, pussiest hit I’ve ever taken, the little Mono bitch where it came from was all worked up and trying to fight. I started for him when Colombian friend’s girl and Heffer got in front of me and held my arms. Meanwhile a big Colombian friend of the two bitches I was about to stomp held them back.

I noted that if I were up against all three of them, I might not knock them all out. The big Colombian was bigger than me, but certainly not as strong. The ignorant uneducated schmuck wasn’t small but wasn’t shit and Little Mono Bitch was a complete bitch. Still, both those two plus the big sensible one would’ve been difficult.

So it ended before it started and I went for my beer. There I learned Little Mono Bitch had hit me with my bag of beer, and obviously stole it. The little bitch hit me with my own beer! I looked up and around. The big sensible one had already gotten their group out of there. GODDAMMIT!

Little Mono Bitch probably felt real proud of himself on the way home, an adrenaline rush. He should know how much of a MIRACLE it is that he hit me with such little force. The next day I had no knot, no bruise, no pain, nothing. I don’t know where I got hit because there is absolutely no pain anywhere when I rub my head. Being small is no excuse for that. It’s a miracle that a grown man could be so weak, so uncoordinated, and so unathletic to inflict absolutely no damage whatsoever after swinging a plastic bag with four beers on someone’s head – someone who didn’t see it coming!

My birthday is March 20. This happened after the evening of Saturday March 19, at 3 am Sunday March 20 so technically on my birthday. The homies arrived at my house with guaro before me, and a good time was had by all until 5 am or so. The next day someone complained to the building manager about the noise so I can’t have after-parties anymore.

For the Record

This has nothing to do with any kind of Aryan white American vs. Latino Colombian shit. There are just as many (more actually) ignorant, uneducated dumb-asses in America that say dumb-fuck things like “Get out of my country” to immigrants. In those cases I’d cheer for the immigrant to knock the American out. I’m a product of recent immigrants to America and I’m very pro-immigration.

I’m also legal in Colombia. I pay taxes. In a country where 40% of the economy is informal (untaxed), I’m a productive resident.

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  1. Yep, goes to show you can find stupid and racist people everywhere.
    Had unfortunately some exemples of this in Asia too.


  2. Youre 6’3 220 lbs right? How big was the other guy who was apparently bigger than you? And what do you mean you missed? Was it a windmill haymaker?

    And to Eric (above)…shut the fuck up


  3. “It’s a miracle that a grown man could be so weak, so uncoordinated, and so unathletic to inflict absolutely no damage whatsoever after swinging a plastic bag with four beers on someone’s head..”

    What are you talking about? You threw a freebie and missed!

    That first swing is crucial, man. You can’t miss those..

    Better yet, maybe ignore mindless comments by local jackasses. You’re better than that, no?


  4. dude chill out take it easy go visit Peru or Brazil you been getting into a bunch of conflicts lately and one time you are not going to be lucky


  5. Hah funny. Same shit happens in that states where I live except.. When someone brags on to the extent of his “hit” you say was soft.. You have to be lying.. Also how the fuck do you miss on your first punch? You say you can fight but a first punch 90% of the time ends the fight at first.


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